How To Survive A Weekend Without Social Media

Let’s just say on your way home after some monster of a week, some dunderhead with a hooded vest gets to ‘’obtain’’ your phone. You happily gave your Blackberry device to a man with no smile on his face because he threatened your existence on this sweet earth with a gun, a knife, or a toothpick.

 Since you wouldn’t want to take him on or deprive your Mama the joy of seeing your butt again (because there’s every chance Mr. Unsmiling and his weapon will win the contest), you nobly and cowardly gave away your hard-earned phone. Well done.

Or you forgot all about your consciousness while trying to conjure up images of half-remembered episodes of your favorite movie; Porn Extra. So you kinda misplaced your phone while thinking from your genitals. In either case, your phone is missing, and along with it goes your social media connectivity. 

You can’t watch perverted videos of animal mistreatment on Youtube and say to your friend, ‘That’s so awesome dude.”. You will be unable to chronicle your every move on Facebook and share with all your 20’000 friends. 

How you long to type ‘ TGIF, Alomo tinz’! But sorry, you can’t because you freaking don’t have a phone anymore. Don’t cry, the sun will rise up tomorrow. But before then, here are some fun things to do to console your aching heart, while keeping you away from the devil’s payroll. It’s like killing 2 birds with one stone. Smile, say thank you, Help is here!

1. Go Hunt A New Chic

Here’s how I define hunting: The art of aiming to capture something, using a weapon.

Scratch that thought. You don’t leave your home armed with a club, hoping to hit a lady over her head and drag her bag to your cave. Bubba! Check your calendar, it says were in the year 2013. Cave man. Try this out. Leave home, walk the streets, you’ll see a thousand ladies swinging from end to end. Turn on your Playboy mood, and advance. Statistics have proven that 1 in every 5 females will succumb to your advances. So go out there and hunt. The stimulating conversation, the smiles and the ego brush, will make your day. Even if you fail, at least you got busy. Good news is: You might get a girl. Bad news is: I made up those statistics.

 Be sure to have a fat wallet too or wahala will be your friend

2. Sober Reflection
I’m not demanding you to give up your life, travel to Mumbai, study Hinduism, meditate, cultivate serenity and attain Nirvana. I only want you to take advantage of the void your loss has created and search within your soul. Lock yourself in your room. Turn off the TV, the stereo and the fan. Just be by yourself. Concentrate on you, only you. Let your dreams grow, let your path on earth take shape within you and become clear to you. If you’re lucky (or unlucky) you might discover your true calling which might range from feeding pigeons, to combing monkeys. At least you’ll be doing some good to the world, because well-groomed monkeys are actually extinct. Good luck on that one.

 “Please comb me”

3. Visit The Extended Family
Darn cousins! We never love our cousins. They’re either snobbish, too nice that it seems fake, too rich that it annoys you, too poor that it hurts, or they’re just not as smart as you are. It’s nothing personal, but dumb schmucks are a turn-off. Yeah? Since you have nothing to occupy you, let your milk of family kindness flow. Go see your extended family. Take a biscuit along as a peace offering, or bring your security dog along. You can’t take chances when your with the nosy relatives.

 “You hate me abi?”

4. Hit The Beach
Think of the beach and what comes into your head are images of refreshing dips into the salty seawater, sipping exotic drinks from coconuts, plenty of hot ladies giving us a taste of the alluring with hot bikinis that seem to hide nothing. It’s all fun, sun and joy, but what doesn’t crop up in your head is the fact that statistics reveal that 5 out of every six beach relationship offers get rejected, but not until the lady has deflated your chubby wallet. Also you never can tell when a maami-water will decide on a new husband, and you will be right in line.

 “I love you!”

Also, the sea is the proud owner of one huge appetite, and it wouldn’t mind a swallow. Of you.  So we strike off the beach. Not for you. But then since you don’t have a choice, hit that beach! And God help you.

Now smile…your opportunities to smash boredom just got tripled…no, four-pled. Have an awesome weekend!